Frustrations With Gravity and Other Reflections on Control

It has recently come to my attention that I tend to be a bit controlling of my external circumstances. I think the problem became most clear when I got mad at gravity for keeping me bound to the Earth.

“You have a problem,” God said.

Yes, I have a problem, I admitted, entering myself into the first stage of recovery.

Last Thursday morning, I innocently typed “God, please help me to release control of my life” into my journal, forgetting that He tends to take these requests literally. I had envisioned an internal feeling urging me to let go, or maybe a theophany in which Christ would appear and explain to me the virtues of living more freely. Neither of those things happened.

After journalling, my visiting brother dropped me off at an elementary school where I tutor a little guy and left with my car. I suggested that he (my brother) not run off too far because my 3 1/2 foot friend tends to skip school a lot and I didn’t want to be stuck running the halls of a primary school with no purpose. Within seconds of entering the building, I was informed that my buddy was absent so I bolted back outdoors to catch my brother, only to see my car disappearing around the corner. So, I called him and it went straight to voice mail. I called him again. And again. And again. 36 times, I called him. Yes, 36. I told you I have a problem.

A mature person would have noticed the connection between the situation before them and the prayer muttered moments before. I am not a mature person. I ranted and raved at my brother for not leaving his phone on after I explicitly said I might need a ride. I steamed and cursed. I seethed and foamed. Yes, foamed. That might have been the bite from the neighbor’s dog, but still I foamed.

Finally, the irony of the situation hit me and I screamed “THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT, GOD!”

But, it seems that God is not really concerned about what I mean in my prayers and is just busily doing what is good for me. So, I guess I will have to continue to abide by the Law of Gravity and release my illusions of control.

I’m beginning to doubt if I have a choice.