Jennifer Knapp, Gay Christian?

This morning my roommate asked me if I had heard that Jennifer Knapp came out of the closet as a lesbian this week. I had heard. And I had read her interview. And frankly, I was relieved to see that she was willing to wrestle with God and her sexuality without giving up on either.

On one side of the debate, I hear pro-gay proponents saying to follow your sexuality at all costs and if God is love he will accept you. While it is true that God will accept you, there are some issues with following sexuality alone. On the other side, some Christians say that we are defined by Christ and not sexuality. While it is true that we are defined by Christ, there are issues with denying our sexuality. God has created us as sexual beings and the feelings we experience must be attended to in the process of becoming a whole person in Christ.

I don’t have time to tell you everything I am not saying by what I am saying, but please notice that I did not say that the feelings need to be acted upon, but attended to. As John Calvin said at the beginning of The Institutes of Christian Religion: “There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God.”

It is encouraging to see a public figure who is able to honestly admit her sexuality, while still clinging to God. I know too many people who have walked away from their relationship with God because of their homosexual feelings and, if nothing else, she has stayed open to God during this process instead of walking away.

As a lust-addicted, people-pleasing, manipulative, judgmental, consumeristic, prideful Christian, I’m sure that I can scoot my bloated ego over to make room for a gay Christian at God’s Table and let God work through our broken lives together.

Forgiveness Sucks.

Recently a very close friend hurt me significantly, making me want to run away from the friendship - something God has forbidden me to do. Another close friend asked what it would look like for me to forgive him. I said something about him acknowledging my pain and asking for forgiveness.

“That is restoration, not forgiveness,” said this stand-in for God.

Forgiveness. Well, crap. That means giving up my right to hurt him back. I hated that.

--

Later the same day, the friend I wanted to hurt back asked if I wanted to talk.

Talk?

I hadn’t gotten a chance to talk with God and release my right to hurt him back! I couldn’t talk to him. Not yet! I wanted to pray in safety with God. I was not ready for the prayer of talking to this person I was struggling to trust.

“Talk to him. This is what forgiveness looks like,” said God.

“Shut up, God! I thought you were on my side,” I said. This was much too fast. What about my chance to savor my anger? What about feeling all forgivenessy?

God won the argument, of course.

During the ensuing conversation, my friend - he of the conflict - began to tell me how hard the situation was for him! Well, now. I was ready to forgive him if he exhibited True Repentance and Amendment of Life. But, this?! Oh, hell no.

“Are you willing to release your right to hurt him back?” asked God.

“Shut up!” I said.

“It’s Easter,” God said, because it actually was. “You know, all that I-forgave-your-rebellion-so-we-can-have-relationship stuff?”

“Shut up!” I said, “I don’t like where this conversation is leading.”

“…” said God, with a meaningful look. (Well, metaphorically)

“Good point,” I complained.

So, I killed that part of me that wanted to hurt him back. I listened and acknowledged his pain, then I shared my own. We put down our swords and rights to hurt each other back. Our perspectives were changed and something shifted deep inside us. The conflict that threatened to divide us became a glue that held us together. We forgave and were better for it.

Which is good since we will spend eternity together and all that avoiding eye contact and taking a different Street of Gold would get awkward after a few millennia.