Pursued by God

God Came To My Rescue

2011-05-09T01:18:00.003-07:00

This week in church we sang the Hillsong song “Came to My Rescue”
and I reflected on how true that is
and has been for me the last three years.
God’s rescue has looked so much different than I would have wanted or expected,
but He has profoundly rescued me.

He rescued me by letting my addictions to food, people, and worse continue unabated
so I would be forced to ask for help
and find myself part of the community.
He rescued me by letting me recognize the depth of my painful childhood,
while allowing my entire world to fall apart
so that most days I did not want to get out of bed
and I was forced to cry “Abba, help me” over and over
until I could put my feet on the floor.
He rescued me by letting the terror and trauma of my painful experiences finally hit me with full force
as I huddled into corners, sobbing,
as flashback after flashback took over my body
and I had to finally acknowledge the pain of my life
and how God was there all along
and didn't stop it.
He rescued me by letting me experience the deepest pain I have ever experienced
and then putting His arms around me
and crying with me.

God came to my rescue, alright.

It took Him thirty years
and a process I would not wish on my worst enemies
and would not trade for diamonds.

I called and You answered,
and You came to my rescue.

Some Thoughts on Nuclear Fission

2010-07-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about nuclear fission lately and how I don’t have any. I know that is a strange thing to think about, but it’s not so weird when you realize that “nuclear fission” is my code word for “emotional stability.” In recent months, I’ve come to grips with the fact that I am about as emotionally stable as a dust bunny on a histamine blocker. (I know it doesn’t make sense, but neither do my emotions and that’s my point, isn’t it?) Perhaps the depth of my problem became clearest to me when I felt a deep emotional attachment to our toaster and the relationship became volatile. To be fair, she was intentionally being obstinate, but I digress. The thesis of this paragraph is “I am too emotional,” just in case it was unclear.

As a form of normalizing my deep and tenuous emotions, I have decided to regard my state as “passionate” instead of “emotional” because it seems more, well… manly that way. At any rate, my emotions are as likely to accuse my friends of being the worst sort of liars and cheats as to warmly embrace them as dear allies. Of my many emotional stabilizers (or “addictions” as my therapist calls them, but what does he know?), perhaps my favorite is emotional dependency. Let me explain. Emotional Dependency, or “Ed”, as I affectionately call him, is what happens when one places one’s emotional state in the hands of others people’s actions.

Take the following for example: This is me with a healthy outlook: “I’m quite certain that my friends do not hate me and wish my immediate demise. And I know that, in God’s timing, I will likely find my soulmate and, to the chagrin of some, reproduce. Amen.” This, however, is me with an unhealthy outlook: “OH MY GAWD! THEY DIDN’T INVITE ME?! WHY DID I EVER TRUST THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE? YOU KNOW, LOOKING BACK I CAN SEE THAT OUR ‘FRIENDSHIP’ HAS ONLY BEEN A CONCERTED EFFORT TO DESTROY ME FROM THE BEGINNING. I WANT TO DIE!”

Now, rationally, a Person of Emotional Health might look over the sum of their relationships and recognize that they are not being singled out by a secret group that meets on Thursdays to discuss ways to bring them down to their grave in desolation, but I am not a Person of Emotional Health. Hence, I am more often left tumbling in the hot dryer of emotions until they run out and some sense of sanity returns. This usually involves a long bike ride or an unhealthy stint of screaming to someone about how my life has been a waste of molecules. After that, some form of sanity will return to me and I will recognize that my emotional health does not reside in the treatment I receive from the people around me but in my One True Addiction: God.

Of all the things I’ve gone to for comfort over the years, the most frustrating and most reliable is God. He, unlike most people, can handle my volatile emotions and still loves me despite the screaming and cursing. We are working out a system where he loans me one of his people to remind me that my emotions, while important, are not indicators of reality and that he is still there when I feel overwhelmed by feelings. He also gave me this book called Psalms to read forcefully. Have you read that thing lately? I thought I was crazy...

Jennifer Knapp, Gay Christian?

2010-04-16T09:55:00.000-07:00

This morning my roommate asked me if I had heard that Jennifer Knapp came out of the closet as a lesbian this week. I had heard. And I had read her interview. And frankly, I was relieved to see that she was willing to wrestle with God and her sexuality without giving up on either.

On one side of the debate, I hear pro-gay proponents saying to follow your sexuality at all costs and if God is love he will accept you. While it is true that God will accept you, there are some issues with following sexuality alone. On the other side, some Christians say that we are defined by Christ and not sexuality. While it is true that we are defined by Christ, there are issues with denying our sexuality. God has created us as sexual beings and the feelings we experience must be attended to in the process of becoming a whole person in Christ.

I don’t have time to tell you everything I am not saying by what I am saying, but please notice that I did not say that the feelings need to be acted upon, but attended to. As John Calvin said at the beginning of The Institutes of Christian Religion: “There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God.”

It is encouraging to see a public figure who is able to honestly admit her sexuality, while still clinging to God. I know too many people who have walked away from their relationship with God because of their homosexual feelings and, if nothing else, she has stayed open to God during this process instead of walking away.

As a lust-addicted, people-pleasing, manipulative, judgmental, consumeristic, prideful Christian, I’m sure that I can scoot my bloated ego over to make room for a gay Christian at God’s Table and let God work through our broken lives together.

Forgiveness Sucks.

2010-04-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Recently a very close friend hurt me significantly, making me want to run away from the friendship - something God has forbidden me to do. Another close friend asked what it would look like for me to forgive him. I said something about him acknowledging my pain and asking for forgiveness.

“That is restoration, not forgiveness,” said this stand-in for God.

Forgiveness. Well, crap. That means giving up my right to hurt him back. I hated that.

--

Later the same day, the friend I wanted to hurt back asked if I wanted to talk.

Talk?

I hadn’t gotten a chance to talk with God and release my right to hurt him back! I couldn’t talk to him. Not yet! I wanted to pray in safety with God. I was not ready for the prayer of talking to this person I was struggling to trust.

“Talk to him. This is what forgiveness looks like,” said God.

“Shut up, God! I thought you were on my side,” I said. This was much too fast. What about my chance to savor my anger? What about feeling all forgivenessy?

God won the argument, of course.

During the ensuing conversation, my friend - he of the conflict - began to tell me how hard the situation was for him! Well, now. I was ready to forgive him if he exhibited True Repentance and Amendment of Life. But, this?! Oh, hell no.

“Are you willing to release your right to hurt him back?” asked God.

“Shut up!” I said.

“It’s Easter,” God said, because it actually was. “You know, all that I-forgave-your-rebellion-so-we-can-have-relationship stuff?”

“Shut up!” I said, “I don’t like where this conversation is leading.”

“…” said God, with a meaningful look. (Well, metaphorically)

“Good point,” I complained.

So, I killed that part of me that wanted to hurt him back. I listened and acknowledged his pain, then I shared my own. We put down our swords and rights to hurt each other back. Our perspectives were changed and something shifted deep inside us. The conflict that threatened to divide us became a glue that held us together. We forgave and were better for it.

Which is good since we will spend eternity together and all that avoiding eye contact and taking a different Street of Gold would get awkward after a few millennia.

Frustrations With Gravity and Other Reflections on Control

2010-03-11T08:28:00.001-08:00

It has recently come to my attention that I tend to be a bit controlling of my external circumstances. I think the problem became most clear when I got mad at gravity for keeping me bound to the Earth.

“You have a problem,” God said.

Yes, I have a problem, I admitted, entering myself into the first stage of recovery.

Last Thursday morning, I innocently typed “God, please help me to release control of my life” into my journal, forgetting that He tends to take these requests literally. I had envisioned an internal feeling urging me to let go, or maybe a theophany in which Christ would appear and explain to me the virtues of living more freely. Neither of those things happened.

After journalling, my visiting brother dropped me off at an elementary school where I tutor a little guy and left with my car. I suggested that he (my brother) not run off too far because my 3 1/2 foot friend tends to skip school a lot and I didn’t want to be stuck running the halls of a primary school with no purpose. Within seconds of entering the building, I was informed that my buddy was absent so I bolted back outdoors to catch my brother, only to see my car disappearing around the corner. So, I called him and it went straight to voice mail. I called him again. And again. And again. 36 times, I called him. Yes, 36. I told you I have a problem.

A mature person would have noticed the connection between the situation before them and the prayer muttered moments before. I am not a mature person. I ranted and raved at my brother for not leaving his phone on after I explicitly said I might need a ride. I steamed and cursed. I seethed and foamed. Yes, foamed. That might have been the bite from the neighbor’s dog, but still I foamed.

Finally, the irony of the situation hit me and I screamed “THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT, GOD!”

But, it seems that God is not really concerned about what I mean in my prayers and is just busily doing what is good for me. So, I guess I will have to continue to abide by the Law of Gravity and release my illusions of control.

I’m beginning to doubt if I have a choice.

Ordination By Skewering

2009-01-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

Soon, I will have to pass comprehensive and oral exams in order to be ordained as a pastor. You can imagine my intrigue in finding this passage in Numbers 25 in which Phinehas was ordained as a priest by skewering two unfaithful Israelites who were in the act of "worshiping" a pagan sex god (that means they were having sex, for the homeschoolers out there).

I think I would rather take a test.

P.S. I was homeschooled and therefore have the right to make fun of homeschoolers. Ha!

Stressed About Circumstances?

2009-01-02T09:53:00.000-08:00

This passage came to my mind again today during yet another worry-fest. I worry, as if God doesn't regularly fulfill my needs and keep me afloat in every fractured area of my life.

"Everything in the heavens and on earth are Yours, O LORD, and this is Your kingdom. We adore You as being in control of everything! Riches and honor come from You alone. For You are the ruler of all people. Your hand controls power and might. It is at your discretion that people are made great and given strength."

The First Book of Chronicles

Chapter 29 Verse 11

A Reading from Lamentations

2008-12-27T11:14:00.000-08:00

The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.

Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!

For no one is abandoned
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief,
he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.

For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

Chapter 3, verses 19-24 and 31-33

This passage gave me strange comfort last night as I was grieving for the loss of How Things Should Be. I pray that it brings you similar comfort.

Christianese-English Dictionary

2008-12-23T21:28:00.000-08:00

Being new to the blogging world, I was scrolling through my friends' blogs. In the process, I ran across this post by my friend Matthew John (who was named after most of the disciples), in which he quoted one of my earlier Facebook notes that he found funny. I also found it funny and decided to post a partial list again on my fancy new blog. And the whole thing comes full circle.

This is a helpful guide to the strange dialect of "Christianese" that you might find spontaneously coming from the mouth of an acquaintance. When you hear one of the following phrases, you can refer to this list for the translation. Please read with a grain of salt:

1. I'll pray about it.

Translation: NO!

2. We need to pray for ______.

Translation: Guess what I just heard?!

3. I'm waiting for God to open some doors.

Translation: I'm living in my parent's basement.

4. God gave me a word for you.

Translation: I have advice to help you with your disaster of a life.

5. I'm going to have my quiet time.

Translation: Leave me the heck alone!

6. God is good.

Translation: My life sucks!

7. Bless his/her heart.

Translation: What an idiot.

8. I have the gift of discernment.

Translation: I can judge people without even talking to them.

9. I was having fellowship with them.

Translation: We had beer and pizza and watched the game instead of going to church.

10. I am saved by grace, not works.

Translation: I can do whatever the heck I want.

11. She caused me to stumble.

Translation: What a skank.

12. I kissed dating goodbye.

Translation: I couldn't get a blind date. Literally.

13. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.

Translation: I can't believe you said the real curse word!

14. I don't mean to judge but...

Translation: I'm going to judge.

15. I'm dating Jesus right now.

Translation: Are you kidding? I'm way out of your league.

16. God wants me to take some time off from this relationship.

Translation: I met someone else and I'm too coward to break up with you myself.

17. I'll pray about marrying you.

Translation: NO!

18. God told me that we are going to get married.

Translation: Maybe you will say yes if God is behind this.

19. I'm fasting.

Translation: Your spiritual life is miniscule compared to mine. Try to keep up.

20. God has called me to minister to her.

Translation: She's really hot.

21. I think you should pray about it.

Translation: You will see that I'm right.

22. We've decided to court, not date.

Translation: My parents have a death grip on my life.

23. Courting

Translation: Homeschool dating

24. Take this with a grain of salt.

Translation: I'm about to really offend you.

25. I'm feeling convicted about this.

Translation: One day I might change my actions.

26. Have I offended you?

Translation: Why are you treating me like garbage?

27. Who wants to pray?

Translation: I don't want to pray right now.

Books I Once Read

2008-12-23T13:34:00.000-08:00

At the suggestion of my friend Dave, I have made this post. This is a list of books that have affected me positively, but I will say nothing about the theological accuracy of the content because I have not always been the theological stalwart you know today (ha!).

Noticeably absent will be the Bible. That is a given.

There is no rhyme or reason to the organization of this list. I am told I can do what I want with a blog and so that is what I have done:

Mere Christianity by Clive Staples

-This book was foundational for me and laid the groundwork for much of my way of thinking about the world. I read it when i was about 15.

The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge

-I began to understand God's love for me while reading this book on a beach in Florida. I have never been the same.

The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning

-Grace seeps tangibly from this book. I read it one summer while at camp and it has influenced my understanding of the relentless pursuit of God more than most other books.

Orthodoxy by G. K. Chesterton

-Don't be put off by the title. This book is a quick, funny and enlightening read. It helped to give me categories for thinking about the world.

Season of Life by Jeff Marx

-Rethink competition. About a pastor/NFL player/high school coach/mentor. Fantastic.

The God Who is There by Francis Schaeffer

-The founder of the Christian Worldview movement has profound things to say, as it turns out. His way of looking at art dramatically aided the enjoyment of my recent trip to Denver Art Museum.

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

-It's a fictional kids book. I've read it multiple times. As an adult. Sue me. It makes me feel happy inside.

The Source by James A. Michener

-A fictional, sweeping, mostly historical account of the history of Judaism. This helped me understand Jews and the history of their people profoundly.

Healing the Masculine Soul by Gordon Dalby and Wild at Heart by John Eldridge

-These books gave me permission to be a man.

Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes

-The first historical fiction novel from my childhood. It made me love history and reading fiction.

The Watermark by Travis Thrasher

-A beautiful novella about forgiveness. I read it one day and thought it poignant, mellow and beautiful.

I will close my laptop and think of more immediately. That's the way of these things.

quiet advent

2008-12-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

it is a time of whispers

of rumors and echoes

angels are unfurling their wings

stars are dancing new steps

and the universe is drawing breath

for now we live in the waiting time

let the darkness gather

let the seasons change

let the nights draw in

to their darkest moment

the light is on it's way

so come now

be a blessing to the frantic and worried world

come now

and find space

silence

stillness

for God is slipping into skin

and restless in the womb

it is advent

This is not my work. I heard it and thought it was beautiful and applicable to the season.

The Requisite Apologetic for My Blog

2008-12-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have caved in and decided to add my small voice to the millions of voices out there and have started a blog. I tried this a while back and gave up because Facebook notes were easier. Thanks to my friend Nathan, who talked me into this.

At any rate, here it is.

At first, I'm going to just re-post some of my favorite Facebook notes that I think are worth reading. Then I'll start making new ones.

An acknowledged narcissist,

B-rad