Christianese-English Dictionary

Being new to the blogging world, I was scrolling through my friends' blogs. In the process, I ran across this post by my friend Matthew John (who was named after most of the disciples), in which he quoted one of my earlier Facebook notes that he found funny. I also found it funny and decided to post a partial list again on my fancy new blog. And the whole thing comes full circle.

This is a helpful guide to the strange dialect of "Christianese" that you might find spontaneously coming from the mouth of an acquaintance. When you hear one of the following phrases, you can refer to this list for the translation. Please read with a grain of salt:

1. I'll pray about it.

Translation: NO!

2. We need to pray for ______.

Translation: Guess what I just heard?!

3. I'm waiting for God to open some doors.

Translation: I'm living in my parent's basement.

4. God gave me a word for you.

Translation: I have advice to help you with your disaster of a life.

5. I'm going to have my quiet time.

Translation: Leave me the heck alone!

6. God is good.

Translation: My life sucks!

7. Bless his/her heart.

Translation: What an idiot.

8. I have the gift of discernment.

Translation: I can judge people without even talking to them.

9. I was having fellowship with them.

Translation: We had beer and pizza and watched the game instead of going to church.

10. I am saved by grace, not works.

Translation: I can do whatever the heck I want.

11. She caused me to stumble.

Translation: What a skank.

12. I kissed dating goodbye.

Translation: I couldn't get a blind date. Literally.

13. Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouth.

Translation: I can't believe you said the real curse word!

14. I don't mean to judge but...

Translation: I'm going to judge.

15. I'm dating Jesus right now.

Translation: Are you kidding? I'm way out of your league.

16. God wants me to take some time off from this relationship.

Translation: I met someone else and I'm too coward to break up with you myself.

17. I'll pray about marrying you.

Translation: NO!

18. God told me that we are going to get married.

Translation: Maybe you will say yes if God is behind this.

19. I'm fasting.

Translation: Your spiritual life is miniscule compared to mine. Try to keep up.

20. God has called me to minister to her.

Translation: She's really hot.

21. I think you should pray about it.

Translation: You will see that I'm right.

22. We've decided to court, not date.

Translation: My parents have a death grip on my life.

23. Courting

Translation: Homeschool dating

24. Take this with a grain of salt.

Translation: I'm about to really offend you.

25. I'm feeling convicted about this.

Translation: One day I might change my actions.

26. Have I offended you?

Translation: Why are you treating me like garbage?

27. Who wants to pray?

Translation: I don't want to pray right now.