This week in church we sang the Hillsong song “Came to My Rescue”
and I reflected on how true that is
and has been for me the last three years.
God’s rescue has looked so much different than I would have wanted or expected,
but He has profoundly rescued me.
He rescued me by letting my addictions to food, people, and worse continue unabated
so I would be forced to ask for help
and find myself part of the community.
He rescued me by letting me recognize the depth of my painful childhood,
while allowing my entire world to fall apart
so that most days I did not want to get out of bed
and I was forced to cry “Abba, help me” over and over
until I could put my feet on the floor.
He rescued me by letting the terror and trauma of my painful experiences finally hit me with full force
as I huddled into corners, sobbing,
as flashback after flashback took over my body
and I had to finally acknowledge the pain of my life
and how God was there all along
and didn't stop it.
He rescued me by letting me experience the deepest pain I have ever experienced
and then putting His arms around me
and crying with me.
God came to my rescue, alright.
It took Him thirty years
and a process I would not wish on my worst enemies
and would not trade for diamonds.
I called and You answered,
and You came to my rescue.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Wow. I just now read this, and it couldn't be more timely. I'm struggling with the "God was there all along and didn't stop it" bit. Actually, I've been struggling for 3 years, and just can't seem to get past this one entirely.
ReplyDeleteI listened to a relevant sermon this week: http://whchurch.org/blog/4738/stick-and-string. Listened to it several times. (Fast forward to about 19-20 minutes in, and you'll see what I mean.) I've been trying to figure out if his approach to dealing with childhood trauma could be helpful... but I'm too scared to try it for myself, because it would mean fully immersing myself in the pain once more. Now that the flashbacks have subsided, how can I bear to wake them up again?
For now, at least, it helps to know that someone else feels what I feel, has cried the way I have cried. Thank you.